How attachment styles show up in relationships: And what you can do about it

In relationships, we all bring more than just our present-day feelings - we bring our early experiences, emotional blueprints, and attachment patterns. Whether we’re aware of it or not, our attachment style plays a significant role in how we connect, communicate, and cope with conflict.

As a relationship therapist, I often work with individuals and couples who find themselves stuck in frustrating patterns - chasing, withdrawing, over-accommodating, or shutting down. What many don’t realise is that these behaviours are often rooted in attachment dynamics formed early in life.

Let’s break down what attachment styles are, how they show up in relationships, and—most importantly—what you can do to build a more secure connection.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that the way we bonded with our caregivers in childhood impacts how we relate to others in adulthood, especially in romantic relationships.

There are four primary attachment styles:

Secure Attachment
People with a secure style are comfortable with emotional closeness and independence. They communicate effectively, trust easily, and navigate conflict with resilience.

Anxious Attachment
Individuals with this style often crave closeness but fear abandonment. They may seek constant reassurance, become preoccupied with the relationship, and feel heightened sensitivity to perceived rejection.

Avoidant Attachment
Those with avoidant styles tend to value independence and may feel uncomfortable with emotional intimacy. They often minimise needs, suppress feelings, and may pull away when things get too close.

Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganised) Attachment
This style is a mix of anxious and avoidant traits, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving. These individuals may desire connection but fear getting hurt, leading to push-pull dynamics in relationships.

How Attachment Styles Play Out in Relationships

Anxious Attachment in Action:

• Constantly worrying about your partner’s feelings for you

• Over-analysing texts or tone of voice

• Feeling “too much” or ashamed of your needs

• Becoming overly accommodating to avoid conflict

Avoidant Attachment in Action:

• Feeling suffocated by closeness or emotional demands

• Shutting down or withdrawing during conflict

• Devaluing your partner or the relationship when stressed

• Struggling to express needs or emotions

Fearful-Avoidant Attachment in Action:

• Intense desire for intimacy followed by sudden withdrawal

• Difficulty trusting, even when loved

• High emotional reactivity and internal chaos in relationships

• Feeling stuck in toxic or unstable dynamics

What You Can Do: Moving Toward Secure Attachment

The good news? Attachment styles are not fixed. With awareness and intentional effort, you can shift toward a more secure way of relating. Here’s how:

1. Build Self-Awareness
Understanding your attachment style is the first step to change. Reflect on your relationship patterns and emotional responses. Journaling, therapy, or even attachment assessments can be helpful tools.

Ask yourself:
“What do I tend to do when I feel insecure or triggered in a relationship?”

2. Learn to Regulate Your Emotions
Attachment injuries often involve heightened emotional responses. Learn to pause, breathe, and soothe yourself before reacting. Practices like mindfulness, grounding techniques, or self-soothing statements can make a big difference.

For example:
“This feeling is intense, but it doesn’t mean I’m unsafe.”

3. Communicate Authentically
Secure relationships are built on honest, respectful communication. Practice expressing needs without blame or apology.

If you’re anxious:
“I feel a little unsure right now—can we talk about it?”

If you’re avoidant:
“I need a bit of space, but I care about this connection and want to come back to it.”

4. Choose (or Create) Safe Relationships
While healing is an inside job, it’s also relational. Surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries, validate your feelings, and show emotional consistency. If you’re in a romantic relationship, work together to understand and support each other’s patterns.

Couples therapy can be especially powerful when attachment wounds are activated in both partners.

5. Practise Secure Behaviours—Even if It Feels Unfamiliar
Healing your attachment system isn’t about waiting to feel “ready”—it’s about retraining yourself through new behaviours. That means:

• Asking for what you need clearly

• Sitting with uncomfortable emotions instead of reacting

• Staying present rather than shutting down or chasing

Over time, these behaviours help rewire your relational blueprint.

Final Thoughts: Attachment Is a Map, Not a Life Sentence

Your attachment style is not a diagnosis. It’s a map of where you’ve been, not a sentence for where you’re going. Whether you’re anxious, avoidant, or somewhere in between, you have the capacity to cultivate more secure, connected, and fulfilling relationships.

And remember: you don’t have to do it alone. Therapy can be a transformative space to unpack your attachment wounds, learn new relational tools, and rewrite the story of how you love, and are loved in return.

If you're curious about your attachment style or noticing unhealthy patterns in your relationships, working with a therapist can provide the guidance and support you need to heal and grow. You’re worthy of a relationship that feels safe, mutual, and deeply connected.