Healing after narcissistic abuse: What you need to know and how to begin recovery

Emerging from a relationship with a narcissistic partner can feel like waking up from a fog. There may be confusion, shame, self-doubt, and a deep sense of loss - not only of the relationship, but of your own sense of self.
Narcissistic abuse, unlike more overt forms of harm, often unfolds subtly over time, leaving deep psychological wounds that can be hard to name and even harder to heal.

As a relationship therapist, I work with individuals in the aftermath of these experiences. Many share a common question: “Why does it still hurt so much - wasn’t I the one being mistreated?” The answer is complex, but one thing is clear: healing is possible, and you are not alone.

In this blog, I’ll outline what narcissistic abuse really is, why the healing process can be so challenging, and practical steps to begin rebuilding your sense of self and emotional safety.

What Is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse refers to the psychological and emotional manipulation that occurs in relationships with individuals who exhibit narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). These relationships often involve:

• Love-bombing: Intense affection and idealisation early in the relationship

• Gaslighting: Making you question your memory, perception, or reality

• Devaluation: Subtle or overt criticism, blame, or emotional withdrawal

• Control and manipulation: Using guilt, shame, or fear to maintain power

• Intermittent reinforcement: Occasional positive reinforcement that keeps you invested despite ongoing harm

What makes narcissistic abuse so damaging is its cyclical and confusing nature. Survivors often report feeling both emotionally addicted to the highs and emotionally destroyed by the lows.

Why Healing Is So Complex

1. Erosion of Self-Worth
Over time, narcissistic abuse chips away at your confidence, independence, and identity. You may find yourself asking, “Who am I without this relationship?”

2. Cognitive Dissonance
Victims often hold two competing beliefs: “This person hurt me” and “This person also said they loved me.” This mental conflict creates deep emotional confusion.

3. Trauma Bonding
Intermittent kindness from the abuser creates a powerful psychological attachment, similar to addiction. This is why leaving and staying away - can feel almost impossible.

4. Isolation
Many survivors become cut off from friends, family, or even their own instincts. This isolation deepens the impact of the abuse and delays recovery.

Key Steps to Begin Healing

Healing from narcissistic abuse is not linear—but with the right support, it is absolutely possible. Here’s where to start:

1. Acknowledge the Abuse Without Minimising It
One of the most powerful things you can do is name your experience without downplaying it. Narcissistic abuse is real and valid - even if there were no physical scars.

📝 Try saying to yourself:
“What happened to me was real, and it impacted me. I deserve to heal.”

2. Establish No Contact (or Low Contact)
Cutting off contact is essential for healing. If total no contact isn’t possible (due to children or shared obligations), implement low contact with firm boundaries.
✨ Tip: Avoid responding to provocation or emotional bait. Keep communication factual, brief, and necessary.

3. Reconnect With Your Sense of Self
After prolonged gaslighting, it’s common to lose trust in your own thoughts and feelings. Recovery involves re-learning how to tune into yourself again.
📝 Journaling prompts:

• What do I value?

• What do I enjoy?

• What feels safe vs. unsafe to me?

4. Process the Trauma in Therapy
Healing from narcissistic abuse often requires trauma-informed therapy. A trained therapist can help you:

• Rebuild self-worth

• Work through emotional flashbacks

• Identify patterns that made you vulnerable to the abuse

• Develop tools for boundaries and self-protection

5. Reframe the Inner Critic
You may have internalised the abuser’s voice as your own inner critic. This voice often mimics the belittling, doubting tone of your former partner.
✨ Practice: Replace critical self-talk with compassionate affirmations.
“I am learning. I am worthy. I am healing.”

6. Rebuild Healthy Relationships Slowly
Take time to learn what healthy relationships feel like. They are not filled with intensity, control, or walking on eggshells. Safety, respect, and consistency are key.
🚦 Give yourself permission to go slow. If something feels off, it’s okay to pause.

What You Need to Know Most

You didn’t imagine it.
You didn’t cause it.
You don’t need to justify leaving it.
You are allowed to take as long as you need to heal.

You were manipulated into believing that your needs, feelings, and voice didn’t matter. Recovery is about reclaiming all of those things - and learning to trust yourself again.

Final Thought: You Are Not Broken - You’re Rebuilding

Healing after narcissistic abuse is not about “getting over” the experience. It’s about rebuilding your identity, self-worth, and emotional autonomy in a way that is more grounded and self-directed than ever before.

You are not broken, you are healing from harm. And with time, support, and the right tools, you will find your way back to yourself.

If you're recovering from narcissistic abuse and need support, working with a trauma-informed relationship therapist can be a powerful part of your healing process. You are not alone, and you don’t have to heal alone.