How to practice self-compassion: A therapist’s guide to being kinder to yourself

In my work as a relationship therapist, one of the most common threads I see, whether someone is navigating a breakup, building a new relationship, or healing from old wounds - is how hard we can be on ourselves. We extend empathy to friends, partners, and even strangers, yet turn inward with criticism, doubt, or judgment.

This is where self-compassion comes in.

Practicing self-compassion isn’t about being self-indulgent or avoiding responsibility. It’s about relating to yourself with the same warmth, understanding, and care that you would offer someone you love. And research shows that self-compassion isn’t just emotionally beneficial, it’s transformative for mental health, relationships, and resilience.

Let’s explore what self-compassion really means and how to start integrating it into your daily life.

What Is Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion, as defined by psychologist Dr. Kristin Neff, includes three key components:

• Self-kindness: Offering yourself warmth and understanding rather than harsh self-criticism.

• Common humanity: Recognising that struggle and imperfection are part of being human, not a personal failure.

• Mindfulness: Observing your emotions without suppressing or exaggerating them; allowing yourself to feel without becoming overwhelmed.

Why Self-Compassion Matters in Relationships

Self-compassion plays a critical role in how we show up in relationships. When we treat ourselves with understanding, we:

• Set healthier boundaries

• Communicate with more clarity and emotional honesty

• Become less reactive to perceived criticism or rejection

• Recover more quickly from conflict or disappointment

In contrast, self-judgment often fuels shame, people-pleasing, and defensiveness, all of which can damage emotional intimacy.

How to Practise Self-Compassion in Daily Life

1. Notice Your Inner Dialogue
Start by becoming aware of how you speak to yourself, especially in moments of stress, failure, or disappointment.
Ask yourself: “Would I say this to a close friend?”
If not, try rephrasing with more kindness.

2. Name What You’re Feeling Without Judgment
Self-compassion begins with acknowledging your experience without needing to fix it right away.
Try saying: “This is a moment of pain. It’s hard to feel this way. And it’s okay to struggle.”

3. Validate Your Struggles as Human, Not Personal Failures
Suffering is part of being human—not a sign of weakness.
Remind yourself: “Everyone feels this way sometimes. I’m not alone in this experience.”

4. Engage in Soothing, Supportive Actions
Self-compassion includes how you care for your body and mind.
Try this:

• Take a break when you need one.

• Nourish yourself with food, rest, or movement.

• Create a comforting ritual, like journaling or a walk without your phone.

5. Reframe Mistakes as Opportunities for Growth
Ask yourself: “What can I learn from this?”
Mistakes don’t define your worth—they’re stepping stones to growth.

What Self-Compassion Is Not

Let’s be clear, self-compassion does not mean:

• Letting yourself off the hook for hurtful behaviour

• Avoiding difficult emotions or feedback

• Pretending everything is okay

It’s about accountability with kindness - allowing yourself to grow without tearing yourself down in the process.

Final Thoughts: Self-Compassion as a Daily Practice

You won’t master self-compassion overnight, it’s a lifelong practice. But like any relationship, the one you have with yourself is built moment by moment. Every time you choose kindness over criticism, grace over guilt, and presence over pressure, you’re strengthening that bond.

You don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love, including your own.

If you’re learning to be kinder to yourself and want support, CHR Therapy is here to walk beside you. You don’t have to do it alone.