How to spot red flags when dating: A Therapist’s guide to trusting what you see

In the early stages of dating, everything can feel exciting, hopeful, and emotionally charged. Chemistry is high, optimism runs strong, and we often want to see the best in someone new. But while staying open to connection is healthy, it’s equally important to remain aware of patterns that may signal deeper issues.

As a relationship therapist, I’ve worked with many individuals who say, “I wish I had paid attention to that sign in the beginning.” This post is here to help you learn how to spot red flags early on, and trust your instincts when you do.

What Is a “Red Flag,” Really?

A red flag isn’t just a behaviour you dislike. It’s a pattern or trait that signals potential emotional unavailability, disrespect, manipulation, or instability - things that, over time, tend to create dysfunction in relationships.

Not every red flag means a person is toxic or abusive, but it does mean you need to pause, observe, and ask deeper questions.

Common Red Flags to Watch For

1. Inconsistent Communication
Early on, consistency matters. If someone is hot and cold - enthusiastic one day, distant the next, it may point to emotional unavailability or a lack of genuine interest.
🚩 Watch for: Love-bombing followed by pulling away, ghosting, or delayed replies with vague excuses.

2. Avoidance of Vulnerability
Emotional intimacy builds through openness. If your date avoids talking about their past, deflects serious conversations, or seems guarded, it may indicate a fear of commitment or unresolved issues.
🚩 Watch for: Changing the subject when emotions come up, laughing off serious questions, or saying “I don’t do emotions.”

3. Lack of Accountability
Healthy adults take responsibility for their actions and past mistakes. If someone consistently blames others - exes, bosses, friends, it’s a sign they may not take ownership in a relationship, either.
🚩 Watch for: “All my exes were crazy,” or “Nothing is ever my fault.”

4. Disrespectful Behaviour
How they treat people - especially when they don’t have to be polite, is revealing. Pay attention to how they interact with service staff, talk about their family, or respond to minor frustrations.
🚩 Watch for: Rudeness, arrogance, or passive-aggressive behaviour.

5. Rushing Intimacy
While a fast emotional connection can feel intoxicating, be cautious if someone pushes for intensity very quickly.
🚩 Watch for: Saying “I love you” early, talking about a future together in the first few dates, or pressuring you for emotional or physical closeness before trust is built.

6. Controlling or Jealous Behaviour
A healthy partner respects your independence. Over-monitoring, constant texting, or reacting negatively when you spend time with others are major red flags.
🚩 Watch for: “I just worry about you,” or “I don’t like when you go out without me.”

7. Poor Boundaries
Respect for boundaries is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship. If someone disregards your “no,” pressures you, or guilt-trips you, it's a signal of deeper relational issues.
🚩 Watch for: Pushing past your comfort zone and calling it “just joking” or “just being honest.”

What’s Not a Red Flag?

It’s important to differentiate between discomfort due to unfamiliarity and true red flags. Here are a few things that aren’t inherently problematic:

• Being nervous on early dates

• Having a different taste in music, movies, or hobbies

• Being honest about needing time, space, or healing

• Having past relationships (as long as they’ve been processed maturely)

How to Trust Yourself When You See a Red Flag

Even when a red flag appears, it’s common to second-guess yourself. You might think, “Maybe I’m being too sensitive,” or “No one is perfect.” But here’s what I encourage my clients to ask:

• Do I feel emotionally safe and respected with this person?

• Do their actions match their words over time?

• Am I shrinking myself to avoid conflict or keep them interested?

Your nervous system often knows before your brain does. Listen to the discomfort. You don’t have to diagnose the person, you just have to honour your own experience.

Final Thought: Red Flags Are About Patterns, Not Perfection

Everyone has flaws. What separates a healthy relationship from a damaging one is how those flaws are handled - and whether the relationship fosters growth, safety, and mutual respect.

When dating, stay curious - but don’t override your gut. If a pattern makes you feel uneasy, don’t ignore it. The earlier you recognise red flags, the sooner you can make empowered choices about who gets to be in your life.

If you’re navigating dating and want support learning to trust yourself again, CHR Therapy is here to help. You deserve safe, respectful, and reciprocal connection.