Keeping the Spark Alive: Staying Connected After Kids
Love doesn’t have to get lost in the laundry
3. How to Keep the Connection Alive After Having Children in a Relationship
Having children is one of the most beautiful and transformative experiences a couple can go through. However, it can also be challenging, especially when it comes to maintaining the connection and intimacy that once defined the relationship. With the demands of parenting, adjusting to new routines, and caring for a little one, it’s easy for a couple to become disconnected over time. The good news is that it’s absolutely possible to keep the bond strong. It takes effort, intention, and a willingness to prioritise your relationship as you grow together as parents.
1. Prioritise Communication
Good communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. When you become parents, the nature of your communication will shift, but it’s important to keep talking—really talking. Make time for meaningful conversations, not just about the logistics of parenting (who’s picking up the groceries or when the baby’s next nap is) but also about how each of you is feeling, what’s going on in your lives beyond parenthood, and what you both need from each other.
Take a few minutes each day to check in with each other. Simple questions like, "How was your day?" or "Is there anything you need from me today?" can go a long way in keeping the emotional connection strong.
2. Make Time for Intimacy
It’s easy to let intimacy slip when you're sleep-deprived, constantly caring for a child, and dealing with the daily demands of life. But intimacy is vital for maintaining a healthy relationship. This doesn’t always mean sex—it could be physical touch, holding hands, cuddling on the couch, or even just giving each other a reassuring kiss in the morning.
It’s important to nurture the emotional and physical closeness between you and your partner. Schedule time for intimacy, just like you would schedule other important activities. It may be difficult to find time alone with the little one around, but even a few minutes of genuine connection can make a difference.
3. Support Each Other's Individual Needs
After having children, it’s common for people to lose sight of their individual needs in favour of focusing solely on the children. However, a relationship thrives when both partners feel valued and supported as individuals, not just as parents. Encourage each other to pursue personal hobbies, interests, and downtime. Whether it’s a solo walk, reading a book, or a night out with friends, supporting each other's need for self-care and independence strengthens your relationship in the long run.
A happy, fulfilled partner is better equipped to be a loving and engaged parent.
4. Set Boundaries with Your Children (and Others)
Children need your time and attention, but so does your relationship. Set boundaries with your little ones and with others to ensure that you and your partner have space to nurture your connection. This could mean creating specific “family time” and “couple time” blocks in your schedule, where the kids know to respect those moments for just the two of you.
Additionally, it’s important to establish boundaries with extended family members and friends. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or need a break, be clear about your needs without guilt. Protecting your relationship by having healthy boundaries makes it possible to prioritise each other while also being great parents.
5. Have Regular Date Nights (or Date Days)
Date nights might look different after having children, but they are still incredibly important. It may not be realistic to go out for a fancy dinner every week, but it’s possible to create meaningful, intimate moments at home or in new settings. Get creative—take a walk together, enjoy a quiet dinner after the kids are asleep, or even binge-watch a series together that you both love.
If possible, consider hiring a babysitter or asking a family member to watch the kids for a couple of hours so you can focus on each other. The goal is to carve out time for just the two of you to reconnect, laugh, and enjoy each other’s company outside of the routine of parenting.
6. Work Together as a Team
Parenthood is much easier when you see yourselves as a united front. Share the responsibilities, whether it’s nappy duty, late-night feeds, or managing household chores. Support each other emotionally and practically, and remember that you’re both navigating this new stage of life together.
Being a team means being empathetic to each other’s struggles, celebrating each other’s victories, and ensuring that you’re not overburdening one partner while the other is underutilised. This teamwork and mutual respect can create a strong foundation for a deeper connection.
7. Don’t Forget to Laugh
Laughter can be a powerful tool in maintaining a strong connection. Parenthood can be tough, and at times, overwhelming. But finding humour in the chaos can be incredibly bonding. Whether it’s laughing at a funny moment with your child or joking about the challenges you’re both facing, shared laughter reminds you that you’re in this together. It lightens the load and allows you to experience joy in even the most difficult moments.
8. Express Gratitude and Appreciation
Parenthood can be a tiring and thankless job at times, and it’s easy to forget to express appreciation for one another. But taking the time to say “thank you” for the little things—whether it’s for taking care of a late-night feed or helping out with the laundry—can go a long way in maintaining the connection and emotional bond between you both.
Compliment each other, acknowledge each other’s hard work, and celebrate your partner’s strengths as both a parent and a partner. Feeling valued and seen can rekindle the love and affection you share.
9. Accept the Changes, and Embrace the New Normal
Having children is life-changing, and the dynamics of your relationship will evolve. It’s important to accept that your relationship may look different than it did before parenthood. That doesn’t mean it’s worse—just different. Embrace this new chapter, and be willing to adapt. Acknowledge that it’s normal to go through periods of exhaustion, frustration, and adjustment, but with patience and understanding, you can create a new kind of closeness that is unique to this stage of your life.
10. Seek Help if Needed
If you find yourselves struggling to connect, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. Therapy or counselling can provide valuable tools to navigate the challenges of parenting and help you both strengthen your relationship. There’s no shame in asking for help, and sometimes, an outside perspective can offer solutions that you might not have considered.
Parenthood is undoubtedly one of the most rewarding and transformative experiences you can have, but it’s also one that requires constant effort to maintain a strong partnership. By prioritising communication, intimacy, and mutual support, you can keep your connection alive. Don’t forget to nurture the love and bond you share as a couple, alongside the love and care you give to your children. After all, a strong relationship between parents not only benefits you both but also creates a loving, stable environment for your children to thrive.
Need help rediscovering each other?
At CHR Therapy, we support couples through the evolving seasons of life. Whether you’re in the thick of parenting or trying to reconnect after a tough patch, we’re here to help. Book a session and let’s find your way back to each other.